


Heaven and Hell Lives in All of Us

by fallingintoplace



Series: Bastard Souls [1]
Category: Bring Me The Horizon, My Chemical Romance, Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gang World, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-07 13:26:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5458052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallingintoplace/pseuds/fallingintoplace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hello my friends! I rewrote this so read it if you want!<br/>Typical Gang AU as Kelvin runs away from an abusive home life and ends being held hostage by Pierce the Veil.<br/>I uploaded it as just one giant chapter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heaven and Hell Lives in All of Us

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DeadMilitia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadMilitia/gifts).



> Hi y'all, welcome back. Since this is one story not chaptered, the trigger warnings include: rape, violence, self harm and suicidal ideation. So just be careful. Love you!

His voice slithered around my neck and sent shivers down my spine. He spoke softly and sweetly, which made His words even more frightening.  
“Kellin, I love you. This is how people show love. You have to show me that you love me.” The slimy words were forced down my throat, and I started crying as he started petting my hair, the unwanted caresses making my tears fall even faster. His touches made me feel dirty. He pulled me to the bed, and I started screaming, begging, pleading, but it was useless. It wouldn’t make a difference and sometimes I felt that he enjoyed me fighting. It gave him even more of a power trip.  
I woke up from my dream with tear tracks drying on my face. Sometimes sleep was an escape, but other times it was just a replay of my daily hell. I rolled out of bed, and tip toed out of the room, making sure not to wake up my dad who was in the bed next to me. My body was still sore from yesterday’s abuse and I didn’t want to get anymore. I made myself a cup of tea and curled up in a chair, staring blankly at the chipped paint on the wall. I felt empty, devoid of feeling and just…there. I wanted to feel something, but the last time I tried, he made it so I felt too much, and I didn’t want to make him mad again. It wasn’t worth it.  
I missed the way he was when my mom was still alive, before the bad men hurt her. They hurt her so much that she couldn’t stand it, and when she gave up, my dad started hurting me. It was my fault about what happened. She wouldn’t have been where she was if I hadn’t wandered off. My dad never lets me forget that. I don’t deserve to.  
The only good thing in my life was my friend, Oliver. We had been friends since grade school, and he’s the only one I’ve ever told about my father, and I don’t know how I would’ve survived without him. He’s the one I go to when I need help. He talks me off the ledge when I want to kill myself, and he’s the one who bandages me up after one of my father’s worse attacks. He comforts me when I need to feel connection. We had developed our own way of communicating, since I didn’t talk. It was some hodgepodge concoction of sign language, lip reading, and a teen’s best friend, texting. And when all else failed, I had a notebook and a stack of index cards, just in case. When asked, my dad makes some bullshit claim about how I just really miss my mom. And I, of course, didn’t say a word.  
My dad came stumbling down the stairs. I curled up tighter, hoping he wouldn’t notice me. It didn’t work.  
“Ah, Kellin. I was wondering where you had gotten off to. I was worried for a moment you’d ran off!” Laughing at his own joke, he sat down next to me, and pressed his lips to mine. I shrank away, only to have him hold me tighter. I wriggled, trying to get him to let go, and the moment his arms loosened, I slipped out. He pulled me back by my hair, he kept it long just for that, and I stumbled.  
“You fucking little brat. I thought you knew better than that. Upstairs. Now.” I stumbled upstairs, tears already leaking from my eyes. He followed up behind me. Once we got upstairs, he took off his belt, and yanked off my shirt to add a few more welts to the marks crisscrossing across my back. I didn’t start actually sobbing until I felt him enter me, and the pain, shock and self-hatred became too much to handle. When he was done with me, he whispered in my ear, “How could anyone but me ever love you?” I knew he was right. I was dirty, worthless. No one would, could, love me. I wanted to curl up in the back of the closet, but I knew that avoiding never helped. So I stood up slowly, shaking. I didn’t hear him behind me until he pushed my shoulders and sent me tumbling down the stairs. Pain clouded my vision, then everything turned to black.  
I woke up to the sound of my dad on his phone. My head was pounding and I touched a tender spot above my eyebrow, and my hand came back sticky with blood.  
“Yeah, I think he’s dead. I need to find a way to get rid of him.” He paused for a moment. “I don’t fucking care! If he’s not dead, just kill him! I can’t have him around anymore. He’s not much fun anymore. Not worth the trouble.”  
Shit. I realized they were talking about me. I had to get out of here. I dragged my aching body into a crouch and, as quietly as I could, slipped out the door. The only place I had to go was Oli’s house, so I headed in that direction, even though he lived far away. It took me almost an hour, and I was on the verge of passing out when I finally made it. I rang the doorbell and sank down, leaning heavily against the doorpost. Oli opened up the door and gasped.

“Good god, Kellin! What the fuck happened to you? Never mind. Come in.” Oli opened the door wider to let me in. I followed him to the bathroom, where he started to dab at the blood dripping down the side of my face. “You’re not going back. I’m not letting you.” I nodded weakly in assent. I was too tired to protest. I looked in the mirror and my face was painted with purple-black bruises. I signed to him “What am I going to do?” Oli offered for me to stay at his house, but I turned him down, knowing that my father would come looking for me here. He wouldn’t just let me escape, and I didn’t want to drag Oli down with me.  
“I’ll buy you a bus ticket. I have a friend in California who can help you.” I frowned. California was so far away, but I’d do anything to get out of there. I nodded my head, and he took me upstairs to pack some clothes I had stored there for the times when my dad kicked me out for a few days and I had no where else to go. He always wanted me back, though, and I always went. Oli and I headed to the bus station and bought a one-way ticket to Los Angeles. I wore sunglasses and a hoodie to hide my bruises, but I still limped in pain as I walked.  
I sat on the bus, looking out the window to see Oli waving at me. I smiled slightly, wincing as the muscles in my face stretched. I leaned back in my chair and prepared for a very long ride.  
I woke up as the bus stopped abruptly. I checked the time on my phone, and I had slept for over twelve hours, and the bus was almost half way there. I stretched, and my body cried out in agony. I was thankful to the hoodie I was wearing, covering up the bruises and scars running up my arms and on my face. I had a scar right above my lip from the time my dad through a vase at my head.  
I curled up in my seat and plugged in my headphones. Music was sometimes the only thing that kept me from killing myself a long time ago. Oli introduced me to hardcore rock by having me listen to his band, Bring Me The Horizon. It was love at the first note they played, and the first word Oli screamed. Now I listen to music when my thoughts get to loud, chanting at me to kill myself, hurt myself, that I deserve everything that’s happened to me. No. I can’t keep thinking like that. A new life, new thoughts. I tried to keep redirecting my thoughts from the sheer terror I was feeling. I had no idea where the fuck I was going to do when I got to California. Oli said he had a friend, but strangers made me uncomfortable. Everyone, every thing, made me uncomfortable.  
I fell asleep again, and ended up sleeping most of the bus ride. When there was about an hour left, I texted Oli to let him know.

Kellin: hey oli almost there. whats yr friends name???

Oli: hey kells. are you doing good? his names gerard. He has bright red hair you cant miss him

Kellin: thanks so much for helping me. i shouldve done this a long time ago

Oli: yeah but im glad youre finally leaving

Oli and I texted for a little while longer until the bus ride was over and I had to get off. I didn’t want to leave an environment I had just gotten comfortable in just to enter another unfamiliar one. I saw a man with fire-engine red hair and pixie like features holding a sign saying “Kellin” at the bus stop. I stumbled off the bus, my body stiff and sore from yesterday and the long bus ride. I walked over to the man who I assumed was Gerard.  
“Hey. Are you Kellin?” I nodded. Gerard looked a little confused, so I pulled my pack of index cards from my backpack and searched for the one stating that I’m mute before showing it to Gerard. “Oh. That’s cool. Do you know sign language?”  
I signed yes, and I smiled as Gerard signed back “My little brother Mikey is deaf.”

Gerard apologized that we had to walk but that it wasn’t that far. As we walked through central L.A., Gerard chattered nonstop about anything and everything. It turns out we had similar tastes in music and I introduced him to Oli’s band, which he absolutely loved. He told me about the comic book he was writing, and his dreams of becoming a singer. They were so engrossed in their mostly one-sided conversation that they didn’t notice that they were being followed, until they were surrounded by a group of four people. Gerard stiffened and I looked around in confusion.  
“Hello, Gerard,” said the leader, a man with long brown hair.  
“Vic,” Gerard practically spat. “What do you want?”  
“Nothing much, just some information,” the leader, Vic? said with a smirk.  
“Like hell I’m telling you anything.” Gerard pushed me hard to the ground before pulling out a gun and pointing it at Vic. Vic laughed.  
“I have three other guys with guns pointed straight at you and your friend. We’ll kill you the moment you shoot.”  
“But I can at least take you down with me.” With that, Gerard pulled the trigger, hitting Vic in the shoulder. Gerard was hit with a bullet in the leg as he tried to run.  
“You’re gonna pay for that,” Vic hissed, his voice laced in pain. “Mike, take Gerard and put him in the truck. Tony, grab the other one. We’ll take both back to headquarters.” I was crouched on the ground in shock. What the hell had just happened? I stood up cautiously, preparing to sprint.  
“Don’t you dare run,” warned one of the other guys. “I’ll shoot you.” I raised my hands slowly, trembling, and turned to face the man that had spoken to me. I was thankful that my sunglasses hid my terrified eyes. “Turn around and follow Mike to the van.” I started to follow the guy carrying Gerard, who I assumed was Mike, to a white van. I was told to step into the back, and once inside, they proceeded to bind my hands together with a zip tie. I barely noticed the car had started to move, and stayed in shock most of the drive. Gerard was tied up next to me, moaning in pain from his wound. We were in the car for what felt like an eternity, before we stopped in front of what seemed to be an abandoned warehouse. I was yanked out of the van, and shoved into a dark room with Gerard, who was on the verge of passing out from blood loss. They locked the door, leaving us in the dark. I crawled over to Gerard, and ripped a piece of cloth from his pants leg and tried to staunch the bleeding the best I could. Gerard thanked me.  
“You seem oddly calm,” he remarked. I shrugged, then did my best to sign I’ve been through worse. Removing my sunglasses, he could see my face and all of the bruises. “Ah, shit, man, I’m sorry.” I moved away from Gerard and curled up in the corner, wondering if this was worse than being at home. Slowly, I drifted off to sleep, only to be woken up by the door slamming open.  
“Shit, what happened to your face?” Vic said. I averted my eyes. When I didn’t answer, he repeated his question, then slapped me at the lack of response.  
“He’s mute,” Gerard drawled from the corner.  
“Is that so? Well, I’m sure I can get him to speak,” he said with a rather vicious grin. “Anyways, I came for you, Gerard. I have a few, ah, questions for you.” Vic seized Gerard and pulled him from the room.  
Gerard didn’t come back for hours, and when he did, he was covered in enough bruises to challenge the amount I had. I tried to bandage him up, but I couldn’t do much. I then curled back up and fell asleep.  
“Please let me out!” I was huddled in fetal position in the pitch black closet that I had been locked in for over a day now. I screamed again, calling, pleading for help, for someone to let me out. My body ached from the beating I had gotten. If I ever got out, I would promise never to take food again. I had been just so hungry, though…  
“Kellin! Kellin, wake up!”  
I was screaming. The room we were in was hot, so I had taken off my hoodie and balled it up into a pillow. Gerard had looked sadly at my bruises but thankfully didn’t ask any questions.

“Kellin, are you alright?” I signed I’m fine. My nightmare/ memory had shaken me up. My heart was pounding and I felt like the dark room was closing in on me. I sat slumped against the wall trying to get my breathing under control.  
“What the hell is going on?” The door swung open and Vic stood in the doorway.  
“Kellin had a nightmare,” Gerard said.  
“I was actually on my way here to talk to Kellin,” Vic said with a shark-like grin. I stood up shakily, and shot a small smile at Gerard, who signed Good luck, and stay strong before giving me a small, two fingered salute. Vic held on to my shoulder in a vice-like grip. He steered me through a labyrinth of corridors before pushing me into a small room.  
“I’m trying to figure out where you fit in this. I don’t think you’re a Chemmie, so I don’t know why you were with Gerard.” At my confused look, he continued on. “He’s a high up in a gang called My Chemical Romance. A stupid name for a gang, if you ask me.” I was pissed. Did Oli know he sent me off with a gang member? He brushed some hair out of my eyes before stroking his finger down my cheek and across one of the bruises. I stiffened. “What happened to you?” He examined my arms, noting the handprints around my wrists and tracing the scars up my arms. “Take off your shirt,” he demanded. I gave him a “what the fuck” look and shook my head no. He slapped me before shouting “Just do it!”  
I sighed, before tugging off my torn black band shirt. His eyes widened in shock when he saw the scars cut into my torso from all the times my father and whipped or cut me. Vic circled around me, and sighed a little at the fresh cuts slicing across my back and the mottled bruises painting my body.  
“Who did this to you?” I responded with a blank stare. “When I ask you a question, you’d better fucking answer. And when I ask you to do something, you do it.” He took a few steps forward, and I backed up until I hit the wall. “I don’t think you get it, Kellin. I own you. I hold your life in the palm of my hand.” Vic stroked my cheek again, before pressing his lips against mine. In panic, I kneed him, hard, in the crotch. I wasn’t going through with Vic what I had gone through with my father. If he ended up killing me, so be it.  
“Fuck you,” Vic hissed. “You’re going to regret that.” He punched me across the jaw, and knocked me to the ground. He kept kicking me until I was curled up in a ball on the floor. Just before I passed out, he crouched down and whisper in my ear. “You are mine, Kellin. Don’t forget that.”  
“Kellin? Kellin, stay with me.” Gerard’s worried face above me as my eyes flickered open. My head pounded and I groaned, closing my eyes. “No, Kellin. You have to stay awake,” he said, giving me a gentle shake. I pulled myself to a sitting position, and dragged my hand through my longish black hair. It was tangled and matted with something. Wait, was that blood? What the hell happened? I signed that to Gerard.  
“I don’t know. Vic dragged you back unconscious and covered in blood.” Memories were slowly coming back, and I shrank into myself. I was scared. Vic kissed me, I signed to Gerard. “Why would he do that?” Gerard asked. “What else did he say?” That he… owned me, and that you were in a gang! Is that true?  
“Yeah. I probably should have told you.” When I rolled my eyes, he restated his comment. “Definitely should have told you. I just didn’t want you to get sucked in. I guess it’s kind of too late for that.” I chuckled. Does Oli know?  
“Of course. Didn’t he tell you? He’s the leader of his own gang. Bring Me The Horizon. The same name as his band.” Oli was in a gang? I was so going to yell at him for not telling me if I ever got out of here. I missed Oli a lot. He was the only thing about my old life that I missed. Even though I was held hostage by a violent gang, at least I was safer and happier than I was at home. With that happy thought, I went back to sleep.  
I must have deserved it. I must have done something pretty awful in my past life to earn all of this abuse. I couldn’t escape it. I dug my fingernails hard into the soft skin on the underside of my arm, taking a sharp intake of breath at the pain from my bruises. I started to scratch, quickly falling into the comfort of pain. I kept scratching and scratching until my arm started to ooze blood. It took a long time, but it felt safe. I had only done this a few times. Pain felt different when you were in control. It felt exhilarating.  
After I had scratched deep enough, I moved on to a different piece of skin, and kept going until my left arm was covered was covered in sticky patches. The pain felt cool and refreshing, clearing my head. Gerard was watching me sadly, but made no effort to stop me.  
I heard the sound of the key turning the lock, and I curled up in the corner, cradling my bleeding arm to my chest.  
“Kellin? Vic wants you.” It was Jaime, my favorite of the gang members. He was the kindest, and he hadn’t tried to hurt either Gerard or me. I swayed when I stood up, but made my way hesitantly to the door.  
Vic was waiting for me in the same room as last time. The moment the door closed behind me, he pounced. He kissed me roughly, and bit my lip until I opened my mouth. I just stood there, hoping he’d leave me alone soon, and knowing from experience it hurt less if you don’t fight back. I knew I deserved all the punishment I was getting.  
Vic tried to shove my hand down the front of his pants when he noticed my arm was wet and sticky. He wiped the blood off his hands onto his pants and examined my arm.  
“Did you do this to yourself?” I nodded. “Why?” I tried to sign something to him, and when he didn’t understand, I mimed writing something. He grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen from the desk in the corner and handed them to me silently. I scrawled across it in messy handwriting BECAUSE I DESERVE IT. Vic looked at me with sadness in his eyes before speaking.  
“No you don’t, Kellin! You’re beautiful, sweet, perfect” I looked away. “You don’t believe me. Of course not. I’m probably the reason you feel like that.” YOU’RE NO WHERE NEAR WORSE THAN MY FATHER. “Oh, my poor Kellin!” He tried to hug me but I took a step backwards. I’M NOT YOURS. “What happened to you?” I shook my head. I had told him enough. CAN I GO BACK NOW? “Sure. I’ll take you back. I looked down, and hugging myself, I silently cried. 

Vic’s POV (I’m shaking it up!)  
What had I done? Kellin looked so broken, curled up in a ball with his forehead resting on his crossed arms. I was disgusted with myself. Jaime had told me to be nice to him, but I didn’t listen. I was so wrapped up in my own problems and desires that I ignored what Kellin needed. It made me feel sick. I didn’t know how to make Kellin forgive me.  
“Vic, we have a problem.” I turned around to see Mike, with a worried expression plastered across his face.  
“What happened?”  
“Frank Iero heard that we had his boyfriend.” Shit. This was not good. The leader of the Chemmies knew we had Gerard? This was going to turn bloody, fast. “He gave us an ultimatum. We release Gerard, or he’ll start a gang war.” That was even worse than I thought. I was expected that Frank would demand money or drugs or something along those lines, but threatening to start a gang war that we couldn’t win was terrifying. My Chemical Romance was huge, and Frank unrelenting when he wanted something. And he wanted Gerard back.  
“What are we going to do?”  
“I don’t know. I can’t just give him Gerard, because I’ll look weak in front of the gang. How about this? We’ll move Gerard and Kellin to the safe house, and wait it out to see what happens.” I felt a little more confidant after making the beginning of a plan.  
“Okay. I’ll go grab them and load them up in van.”  
“Thanks, Mike.”

Kellin’s POV (yes, another POV change.)

“Come on. We’re leaving. Both of you come with me.” Mike stood in the doorway. Gerard helped me stand up, and we walked to the doorway, leaning on each other for support. I followed Mike once again, hopefully for the last time, through the maze of headquarters until we reached the outside. I smiled as I saw the sun; I hadn’t been outside in a few weeks.  
I noticed that no one was paying attention, and the moment Mike turned his back, I ran. I got almost a block before they noticed I was gone. Mike pulled out his gun, and shot twice, hitting me in the shoulder both times. I hit the ground hard, and just laid there, hoping they’d think I was dead. It worked. Mike started to run after me, but Tony yelled, “Just leave him! If he’s not dead, he will be soon and we need to go.”  
I had almost passed out from blood loss when I saw two men standing above me. One had really bushy hair and he said, “We should probably take him to headquarters.” The other nodded, and then I was unconscious.

When I woke up, I was in an empty room. I stood up slowly, wincing as pain coursed from my shoulder down my arm and back. I opened the door, and walked down the hallway to what looked like a kitchen. There were three people sitting around a table.  
“I’m glad you’re finally awake. You’ve been out for a few days,” spoke a short man covered in tattoos. “I’m Frank, by the way, and that’s Ray and Mikey.” He pointed first at the guy with the crazy hair who nodded at me and the person who I assumed was Mikey gave me a smile. I waved shyly at them. “Don’t talk much, huh?” I tapped my mouth and shook my head no, trying to signal that I didn’t talk. Mikey’s smile grew bigger, and he signed to me are you mute? I grinned, and signed back you must be Gerard’s brother. He told me about you. And yes, I am mute. Mikey translated that in a stilted speech, and Frank jolted.  
“You know Gerard?” I nodded, and proceeded to sign them the entire story. “I’m going to kill that bastard,” Frank snarled when I finished. I gave him a wary smile; I’d had my fill of violent gang leaders. “Anyways, I know Oli. We are sort of allies. I can get in touch with him and tell him we found you. He was really worried when you disappeared.” I was overjoyed at the prospect of seeing Oli, but I was starting to feel faint again. I started swaying, and Ray spoke. “Maybe you should go back to bed.” I found my way back to my room, and was asleep before my head even hit the pillow.  
When I woke up, Oli was asleep in a chair by my bed. His eyes fluttered open and he swooped me into a hug, letting go sheepishly after I yelped in pain.  
“Sorry. I forgot you had a bullet wound. But Kells, I was so worried about you! I heard what had happened. I’m so sorry. I feel like it’s all my fault.” It’s all right. It wasn’t because of you. But why didn’t you tell me you were in a gang?  
“I didn’t want you involved or in danger. Look how well that turned out,” he said bitterly. “I just didn’t want you to get hurt. But now you’re sitting here with a bullet hole through your shoulder and it’s all because of me!” Hey, don’t beat yourself up. It wasn’t your fault.  
“Thanks,” Oli looked relieved. I got up and stumbled down the hall to where the lead members of My Chemical Romance were sitting around a table looking serious.  
“Oli,” Frank said. “It’s nice to have you down here. I do need to verify that you would support us should a gang war with Pierce the Veil occur.”  
“Of course. If it does happen, I’m going to be the one to kill Vic myself, for hurting my friend.” I felt vaguely sick at the idea of Vic being dead. I didn’t want anyone killed. Frank’s phone rang, and he answered it. When he hung up, he gave a shout of joy.  
“Gerard’s coming home! That was Vic, saying that we should meet up in three hours to get him back!” Everyone started cheering. “I want Mikey, Ray and Oli to come with me.” I tugged on Oli’s sleeve. I want to come. I wanted to get some form of closure.  
“Are you sure, Kellin?” Oli asked worriedly. I explained my reasoning and Frank was fine with me coming. After waiting an hour or so, we piled into two cars and headed for the warehouse. We slipped in to see Vic waiting for us, with a gun to Gerard’s head.  
Vic gasped, saying, “Kellin, you’re alive!” at the same time as Frank shouted, “Don’t you dare hurt him!”  
“I’ll give you Gerard if you give me Kellin,” Vic said. Oh god. No.  
“Hell no. I’m not giving Kellin back to a monster,” Frank responded. I breathed a little more easily.  
“Then I’ll shoot Gerard.”  
“And we’ll shoot you.  
“But Gerard will be dead and it will be your fault.”  
Frank looked horrified, than looked at me, pleading. Gerard whispered “please” from across the cavernous room. I looked at Gerard, Frank, then Oli who was shaking his head no. I took a deep breath, and signed I’ll do it. Both Frank and Vic relaxed. I gave Oli a hug, and he kissed the top of my head before whispering, “We’ll get you back.” I walked slowly across the room and Vic let Gerard go free. I gave my friends a farewell wave, knowing that I was probably going to my death.  
When we got back to their headquarters, instead of being put back into the cell Gerard and I were in earlier, I was put in a room on the second level, this time with a bed in it, and a window that didn’t open. I was trying to break it with the chair from the desk in the corner when I heard a dry voice behind me.  
“That’s bullet proof glass, you know.” I turned around and saw Vic standing in the doorway. “We made some changes. You’ll be staying here with me at night, but for the day, we’re giving you freedom in the building as long as you’re with me, Tony or Jaime.” Vic took a few steps closer, and stroked my hair. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered. My cheeks turned bright red. Vic coughed, stepped away, embarrassed, and then left the room, leaving the door unlocked.  
I sat down on the edge of the bed, mulling over the catastrophe of my life. I was going to have to sleep next to Vic every night. He would probably make me sleep with him as well. Oh God, what had I done? I knew I did the right thing, saving Gerard, but it had cost me my freedom once again, though was I ever even free? I lay down on the bed, and curled up, crying a little. Soon, I fell asleep. During the night, someone covered me with a blanket, as I peacefully slept the night away.

“No! Let go of me! Stop, please stop!” I was screaming my head off, sobbing in pain and fear.  
“Shut up, Kellin! You’re making this harder than it has to be. You know I only love you…” My mouth snapped shut, but tears still flooded from my eyes. I just wanted it to be over.  
When he was done, he whispered in my ear, “Don’t you dare tell anyone what happened, or I’ll hurt you even worse. It’s all your fault. You were asking for it, and everyone will just call you a dirty whore.” I nodded, resolving not to speak at all, lest I should let the secret slip. He was right, I was dirty.

Vic’s POV  
I woke up to screaming, a pained, wordless shriek of absolute terror. I panicked, and reached for my gun before I realized it was coming from next to me in the bed.  
“Kellin! Kellin, wake up!” I shook him, and his eyes popped open. He immediately recoiled, scrambled to the edge of the bed, and almost fell off. When I reached out a hand to comfort him, he shook his head, pleading to me with his terrified eyes, so I backed off. “Kellin, are you okay?” He shook his head again. “Can I do anything?” He motioned for something to write with, and I wordlessly handed him some paper. Can you just leave me alone? “Of course I can, sweetie. Just come get me when you’re feeling better.” I left the room, leaving the door unlocked so Kellin wouldn’t feel trapped.  
I sat down on a couch in a different room, but I could hear Kellin crying down the hall. What happened? I wanted to know, but I knew I couldn’t pressure him. Finally, Kellin came into the room, his face shiny from tears and his eyes red, with a blanket wrapped tightly around his body.  
“Hey. Are you all right? Do you want to sit down?” He nodded, and slowly made his way over to the couch, sitting on the farthest side away from me. “Do you want to talk about it?” I said before mentally slapping myself for saying such a stupid thing. But to my surprise, he nodded and started to write on the piece of paper he was still clutching in his hands. I was reliving the memory of the last time I spoke. Curious, I asked, “Why did you stop speaking?”  
This time he took a few minutes before turning the paper around so I could see. I could see him hesitating, debating whether or not to share. I stopped speaking when my father started hurting me. I felt sick. How could anyone hurt someone so innocent as Kellin? Then I remembered that I was almost as bad. I was disgusted with myself. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered. We both knew it was more for what I did to him than what his father did. “Can I-can I hold you?” I asked, slightly embarrassed, but Kellin was sitting there looking so sad and alone that I couldn’t help myself. To my surprise, Kellin said yes. He sat closer, and snuggled a little into me. I wrapped my arms around him.  
After a while, he grabbed his sheet of paper to write on it. Why are you being so nice to me? “Because I think I love you.” And I did. He was the cutest, kindest human being I’d ever met, so resilient despite the things he’d been through, the things I put him through, yet he must’ve found it in his heart to forgive me.

Kellin’s POV

He loved me? Oh my god, what had I gotten myself into? First I tell him what my father did to me, which was surprising. The only other person I’ve told was Oli. And then I have no idea what possessed me to say yes to Vic holding me. I’m glad I did, though. Vic was warm and comfy, and though it killed me to say it, he was kind of cute. But only kind of.  
I guess I just hadn’t seen the nice side of Vic. This Vic seemed like someone who was kind and caring, nothing like the other Vic, who was violent and cruel. And the idea of love scared me a little. Love feels unsafe because that’s what my dad would always tell me, that he loved me. I didn’t want Vic to hurt me the way my dad did. And Vic will expect me to love him back. I wasn’t sure if I was even capable of love, or if I was so ruined that I could never love another person. The word meant pain and fear and I was scared.  
“Hey, do you want to go on a walk? This part of California is beautiful.” Vic’s voice startled me out of my reverie. Of course. I would love to I signed before remembering Vic didn’t know sign language, so I wrote it down. He smiled, and it really lit up his face. He looked nice when he smiled.  
We both stood up and I stretched. Vic led me to the door and unlocked it. Finally! I get to actually see the sun. I knew it would be good for me, especially after my memory/nightmare last night. I was still shaken up from it. Whatever. Getting some fresh air will help.  
We walked around for a bit over an hour, and Vic was right. California was gorgeous. You could see the mountains. Since we were in the middle of nowhere, the landscape was absolutely stunning. After a while, Vic turned around and we headed back to the house.  
As I got to know Vic, he turned out to not be so bad. He could actually be very nice, and was rather funny. So far, he hadn’t forced me into doing something I didn’t want to do. I was still ruminating over what he said earlier, though. He loved me. I didn’t understand how anyone could love me. I was so broken, so damaged. I was unworthy of being loved. My father had made sure of it. I didn’t deserve love, yet I craved the idea of someone wanting me. Yeah, right. Who would ever want me?  
My thoughts got too depressing, and I went in search of something I hadn’t done in over a year. I was inside the small bathroom next to the room I shared with Vic when I found what I was looking for: a razor. I pulled it apart, being careful not to cut my fingers. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub, and rolled up my sleeve. Pressing the blade against my skin, I questioned what I was about to do. Did I really want to do this? I hadn’t done it in so long. Should I break my streak? Yes. I had to. I needed to, I needed to get pain because I fucking deserved it. Slowly, I dug the blade into my skin, and dragged it sideways. I cut seven deep, parallel lines and blood oozed out of them. God, I hated myself so much.  
“Kellin? Kellin, where are you?” Vic called. Shit. The door swung open, and Vic stepped in. He gasped. “Kellin! Oh, god, why would you do that to yourself?” Not expecting a response, he grabbed a washcloth and started dabbing at my arm, washing away the blood. He bandaged me up, and looked at me with such sadness and guilt in his eyes, that I felt guilty as well. I didn’t want to hurt him; I just needed to hurt myself. “Did you do that because of me?” Horrified, I shook my head no. He gave me a weak smile, and scooped me up, carrying me to the bed in the other room. He laid me down, and sat on the edge of the bed next to me. “I’m so so sorry that you felt compelled to hurt yourself.”  
There was a loud bang from downstairs that startled both of us. We stood up, and we heard the thuds of heavy, booted feet thunder up the staircase and the door flung open. In stepped Oli, Frank, Gerard and the rest of My Chemical Romance. They all had guns, and immediately pointed them at Vic.  
“He’s mine!” Oli hissed. “I’m gonna kill him for hurting my friend.” He aimed, and was about to pull the trigger.  
“NO!” I shouted. Everyone gasped, and turned to look at me. Oli lowered his gun a little. “I don’t want him dead.”  
“Kellin! You’re talking! I’ve missed your beautiful voice,” Oli said. “Are you sure? I’d be more than happy to kill him for you.’  
“I’m sure. Please don’t kill him.”  
Gerard went to look for some rope or something else to tie up Vic with, and Oli and I went to sit on the couch downstairs, and talked.  
“I was so worried about you,” he said. “I was terrified that Vic would hurt you.”  
“I’m fine. Just a little shaken up. Thank you so much for rescuing me.”  
“I’d do anything for you. You know I love you.” Love. There was that word again. Why did everyone love me? I was beginning to hate that word.  
“I love you, too. I can’t imagine having a better best friend than you.” The light in his eyes dimmed a little, and he seemed disappointed in my response.  
We left the building and headed back to My Chemical Romance’s headquarters. I leaned against Oli in the backseat of the van, and had almost fell asleep by the time we got there. Oli carried me upstairs, and set me down on a bed in one of the guest rooms. I fell asleep shortly afterwards.  
In the morning, I went into the basement to visit Vic. I paced in front of the door of the room he was in, debating whether or not to open the door. Eventually, I slumped against the door. I heard a sigh echo from the other side of the door, and tentatively called out, “Vic?”  
“Who’s there?” His voice sounded so tired.  
“I wanted to ask you a question. I just don’t get something. Why do you love me?”  
“Oh, Kellin. I love you more than the moon and stars. I love you because you’re sweet and kind and innocent. You should hate me by now, yet you don’t. And don’t forget, you saved my life. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve had the fortune to come across on Earth, and I’ve seen many beautiful people. I love you so much it hurts a little.”  
“I’m just so afraid, though.”  
“What’re you scared of?”  
“I’m worried you’ll hurt me like my father did. He said he loved me.”  
“Kellin, I’m not going to hurt you like that.”  
“But you almost did.”  
“And I’ve never regretted anything so much in my life. I’m so so sorry that I hurt you.” I sighed.  
“Vic, I think I’m going to go.”  
“Please don’t leave me.”  
“I’m sorry, Vic. I need to go. I’ll be back.”

Vic’s POV

I paced around in my little cell, sympathizing with all of the people I had locked up over the years. I was aching to get outside of this little hellhole. I couldn’t stop thinking about what was happening with my gang. I assumed Mike had taken control, and I hoped to the high heavens that he was good leader. I was so scared for the fate of my gang, and all I really wanted to do was go home. That obviously wasn’t going to happen, as I was stuck here for who knows how long, possibly forever. They might want to kill me for taking Kellin. Twice. Jesus Christ, Kellin must hate me.  
“I don’t hate you,” said a small voice from outside my cell. Fuck. I must have been thinking out loud. “I don’t know why, but I don’t hate you.”  
“You probably should. I hurt you.”  
“I know, but I think I forgive you.” He forgives me? That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard. The only person I’ve ever loved this much doesn’t hate me. I smiled.  
“Thank you.”  
“I should probably go,” he said.  
“Kellin?”  
“Yeah?”  
“I love you.”  
“I know. Bye, Vic.” With that, he left me to ponder my fate.

Kellin’s POV

“I want Vic released.”  
“Wait. What? Did you just say you want him released?” Oli looked at me like I was deranged. “Why the hell would you want that?”  
“I guess I feel bad for him. And I’m starting to like him a little.”  
“No no no You shouldn’t feel bad for that asshole. He kidnapped you!”  
“So? I think he feels bad about it. He seems really regretful.”  
“So you’ve been talking to him?”  
“Yeah. Why not? He’s my friend,” I said defensively. I didn’t like how Oli was trying to control me.  
“He’s not your friend. He’s your fucking captor. You shouldn’t be feeling sorry for him.”  
“Well, I do.”  
“It is up to him, you know,” Frank joined the conversation. He had watched us argue with amusement before stepping in. “Kellin was the victim here, so he should get to choose.”  
“And I want him released.”  
“Okay, okay. We’ll let him go.” I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank God. I was really worried about him. I just wanted him to be happy.

 

Vic’s POV

I heard a key click in the lock, and the door swung open.  
“Get up, we’re going.” It was Kellin’s friend who’s name I never learned, the one who threatened to kill me when they rescued Kellin. I stood up warily, and the man slapped handcuffs onto my wrists. He led me outside and into a waiting car. I was getting a little concerned. Were they taking me somewhere to kill me?  
My fears were slightly assuaged when I saw Kellin sitting shotgun. I was shoved into the back seat.  
“Um, where are we going?” I asked.  
“Somewhere,” Kellin’s friend answered gruffly.  
“Oli, be nice. We’re taking you home, Vic.” Kellin spoke softly, and I barely heard him. Home? Thank God. I couldn’t wait to see my brother and friends again. I was so worried that My Chemical Romance would kill me and I would never see them again.  
“Why do I have to be nice to the person who kidnapped you?” Oli grumbled. I felt so guilty for kidnapping Kellin and hurting him. I hoped that one day he could forgive me.  
We drove in silence until Kellin turned on the radio. The song playing was “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls. Kellin started singing, softly at first, then louder until his stunning voice filled the car. I sat there in awe as he finished the song.  
“And I don’t want the world to see me, I’m not sure that they’d understand. When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.”  
“Shit, Kellin. You have an amazing voice,” I said.  
“Yeah, Kells. I’ve really missed hearing you sing.” He blushed, I could tell because the back of his neck turned bright pink. He shut off the radio, and the rest of the ride was passed in absolute silence.  
Oli parked the car in the no mans’ land, about a mile or so from headquarters. We all got out of the car, and Oli unlocked my handcuffs. He went back and leaned against the car as Kellin and I said our goodbyes.  
“Can I hug you?” He nodded, tears glistening in his eyes. I held him close, and we stood there for a few minutes before he pulled away. All of a sudden, he pulled my head down and kissed me. Then he let go, turned around and headed back to the car.  
“Kellin!” I shouted.  
“Yeah?”  
“You know where to find me if you ever need anything.”  
“Goodbye, Vic.” He gave me a sad smile, and the love of my life got into the car and drove away. I didn’t know if I’ll ever see him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks! Love you all!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos, comments, constructive criticism and plot ideas appreciated! xoxoLola


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